Contrary to what we might think, we do not live in the vast possible world of relationship and connection. We have learned to live within the boundaries of our comfort zone. Our comfort zone is warm, safe, cozy, predictable, under control and always available. This is true even if your comfort zone includes being depressed, feeling isolated, feeling betrayed, being hated by others, self-doubt, being undermines by men, being betrayed by women and so on.
At some point in your life, you decided that being betrayed by others in safer than being in relationship. That is you decided to include the sensation 'being betrayed' in your cozy comfort zone and not the sensation 'being in relationship'. When you feel betrayed, you feel normal. We call that comfort zone, the Marshmallow Zone. Life is the Marshmallow Zone is not Life, it is just life in the Marshmallow Zone.
The Marshmallow Zone is inside ourBox, at the center of our Box. Our Box is made of our belief systems, conclusions, opinions, ideas, stories, expectations, assumptions, etc... Our Box is our self-design childhood survival strategy that we carry like a too small of a shell until we get initiated in adulthood. (For more information:Box Technologybubble).
When you move to create intimacy but are not aware of that you have a Box or that you live in the middle of that Box, the only kind of intimacy you can create is Box to Box intimacy. We call Box to Box intimacy, Ordinary Relationship because this is the kind of intimacy that is ordinarily promoted in the traditions of modern culture.
Box to Box intimacy includes:
talking about the weather
talking about your kids grades in school and extracurricular activities
talking about your bank accounts and how much money you make
talking about others to gossip and triangulate
competing with the other mothers to know who is the best mother
undermining your colleagues work to your boss
talking about what's for dinner and who has to go shopping
talking about the dog or the cat
arguing about where to go on holiday
and so on...
Please find an extensive list for how to create Box to Box intimacy in Ordinary Relationship here:
False ecstasy does not feed your Being, your Soul, and your Heart. All of which are locked away behind the walls of your Marshmallow Zone. In Box intimacy you tell the same old story, you live the same old dramas over and over again, you find yourself in the same old situations once more no matter how many times you change your hair, partner, job, living room wall paint, or diet. Your life turns in boring and unfulfilling circles like an old tune stuck on repeat on the cassette player until it gets worn out.
Other kinds of intimacy where something else can be expressed, experienced and created are possible.
Seeing the possibility of new quality of intimacy starts by being where you Are (1).
Creating new forms of intimacy begins by moving at the Edge of your Box (2).
Inviting another Being on a intimacy journey starts by learning to Negotiate intimacy at the Edge of both of your Boxes (3).
Box To Box Intimacy ... is War.
The highest objective of intimacy between uninitiated women and men is an enmeshed nostalgic fuzziness best captures in the sentimental declaration: "Home is wherever I’m with you." The fantasy image frames the success of relationship as: 'finding the one who I love the most and who only loves me...'
Seeking a false sense of security may be trying to re-enter the safety of the womb, a sign that you have not escaped from the first of the 8 Prisons. Box to Box relating creates a false sense of security as you stay in the safe 'Marshmallow Zone'.
In the Marshmallow Zone, everything that you can experience and express is filtered by your Box. Your intimacy is limited to what your Box considers safe, mostly ordinary interactions (using Standard Human Intelligence Thoughtware) such as gossiping, competing, arguing, playing the victim, talking about the weather and money.
To survive, your Box has got to be 'right'. To survive, their Box has got to be 'right' too.
What happens then? Box War or more commonly called, Low Drama - "I'm right, you are wrong" - the beginning of every war.
We humans are more complex than modern culture teaches us. At a certain point a hunger may develop for non-superficial connections. When we attempted to create authentic connections, we might realize that we are faced with a high numbness bar, fears, and insecurities that stops us right in our tracks and make us go back in our safe Marshmallow zone.
Our high numbness bar prevents us from being where we are. Because where we are is painfully wounded and heartbroken. Most of us were born in a culture ~ modern culture ~ where we not taken care as babies, children or teenagers. We have been abandoned, betrayed, criticized and undermined by the people who were supposed to be our role model: our parents, teachers, coaches and friends.
How could we trust deeper connection when it has proven to be so destructive in the past?
When we do not want to feel that pain again.
And we have to find a way.
Because we can only go somewhere else from where we are by starting by being where we are.
If you are not where you are, you cannot go anywhere.
What if those old wounds, fears and unhealed traumas were the first gateway to authentic intimacy?
What if these finally get healed and give way to deeper connections?
The following skills create more resilient and dynamic Beings with a capacity for more presence together. Precognitive and non-verbal hurts may be limiting your capacity to connect and these can be transformed into intimate gateways to vast treasures. Whole new options arise when you are met where you are and when you learn to meet others where they have heretofore been hiding out.
Being with Yourself Skills
Preparations, practices, and skill-building are keys to entering whole new domains of relational satisfaction. Such skills form the basis for a lifetime of astonishing and fulfilling Intimacy Journeys.
Being present is the key to radically responsible intimacy.
How can you create authentic connection if you are not standing in your authentic self? Your job is to get out of your mind and get in your body by centering yourself.
EXPERIMENT INTIMACY.01: Center Yourself: A moment-to-moment practice
1. Right now, find where your center is. If your energetic center is not on your physical center, then it is somewhere else. Find it.
2. When you found it, move it on your physical center. This is not done with imagination but with your intention. You set your intention to be centered.
EXPERIMENT INTIMACY.02: Being afraid of what someone think of you is giving away your center to them.
First news: If someone has your center, guess who has given it to them? Yes, you! Only you can take it back, they cannot give it back to you.
A big hint is that when you feel scared about what someone thinks of you, stop. Pause. Really just stop what you are doing or saying. Keep breathing. Close your eyes and find where your center is (it is with them). Keep breathing. With your intention bring your center back to your physical center. When you start again what you were doing, start from a sentence you have never said before like 'I can talk to you now because I just took back my center'.
You might just start an interesting and authentic conversation.
Intimacy has be hijacked by the over-sexualised patriarchal Western culture putting up billboard of naked children in underwear and pop stars wiggling their butts on stage.
We therefore limit our view of intimacy to the domain of physical intimacy and sex. Sex with another person without presence is only masturbation. No more no less satisfactory. We have five bodies that are longing to be intimate with someone else's five bodies. Each of our five bodies ~ intellectual, physical, emotional, energetic and archetypal ~ have their own kind of pain, ecstasy and their own kind of intimacy.
Intellectual bodyintimacy is learning about new concepts, ideas, distinctions and sharing them with others; it is also having our ideas, concepts and distinctions challenged by someone for the purpose of evolution (not argumentation); is reading a book to each other; is making a plan for the future.
Physical body intimacy is sitting next to each other and sharing a meal, is driving down the road, is washing dishes next to each other, walking down the market lane together, holding hands, pilling up to watch a movie together, holding each other by the shoulders in a circle, touching knees in a circle, experiencing warm sand on your skin, ...
Emotional body intimacy is experiencing and expressing anger, sadness, fear and joy as feelings or emotions in the spaceholding of another consciousness without any expectation that those feelings and emotions have to be fixed, is holding space for someone to experience and express anger, sadness, fear and joy as feelings or emotions and not doing anything about them, just being with them, ...
Energetic body intimacy is committing to someone else's commitment, is being with another person's being while you are washing dishes, cooking, putting the children to bed, is encountering and appreciating someone shape, is noticing what you notice about you, the space, what is possible and share it with another consciousness, ...
Archetypal body intimacy is creating and holding space for a project together, writing a book together, providing a service together, creating Archetypal Love for no reason together, countenance, ...
ENDLESS MYSTERIOUS JOURNEYS
Your 5 bodies are gateways to endlessly mysterious journeys. Being aware of your own 5 bodies opens the door to journey with someone else's 5 bodies.
Modern culture is interested in our mind - it is interested that we are intelligent, have good grades, a good job, etc ... and slightly in our physical body - that we are healthy enough to work, to eat what they produce and not healthy enough that we also use pharmaceutical pills, go to the gym and do yoga.
We are not trained in being aware of our 5 bodies and what they are hungry for. The practices here are to grow awareness of your other 5 bodies and their needs and wants to feed them accordingly.
Not feeding your 5 bodies consciously results in expecting your partner (either professional or personal) to feed them for you. In an adult relationship, each party creates possibility to feed their 5 bodies which might or might not include a partner. Expecting your partner to feed your 5 bodies comes from a child ego state. You are projecting mommy or daddy on them.
A big hint: your partner will never be able to fill the bottomless hole created in your childhood that longs for attention, love, care, and kindness that your parents were not able to give to you.
EXPERIMENT INTIMACY.03: Feed your 5 bodies nonlinearly. This experiment is to take responsibility to feed generously your 5 bodies. Then when you meet your partner, you are a healthy adult wanting to create a deeper level of intimacy, and not wanting them to fulfill your childhood needs.
👇 Find the practices of growing awareness in your 5 bodies and feed them consciously in the 5 Bodies Bubble.
EXPERIMENT INTIMACY.03: VERBAL OR EXPERIENTIAL REALITY?
It is really simple to distinguish whether you are in Verbal or Experiential Reality:
RIGHT NOW, do you experience the sensation of your clothes on your skin?
RIGHT NOW, are you experiencing the feelings and emotions bubbling in you?
If you didn't notice them before I pointed them out to you - you are probably in Verbal Reality
If you don't experience fabric, how can you taste the skin of your partner?
If you don't taste your coffee, how can you experience Love with your partner?
Love in Verbal Reality vs Love in Experiential Reality
Love in Verbal Reality kinds sound like this:
"Honey, I'm home. I love you."
"I love you too"
"Honey, I'm back. I love you."
"I love you too"
"Honey, I love you."
"I get it you love me - do you have anything else for me?"
Love in Verbal Reality is a concept filled with images, sound, smells and thoughts from media, TV, our parents, songs, movies, etc...
Love in Verbal Reality is dead because it is predictable. You think you know what love is supposed to feel like, or what you are supposed to feel like when you are in love... Of course, when you stop feeling that way, you think love has disappeared.
You go around looking for more love, for more of the same thing you think you had before...
Love in Experiential Reality does not have words to describe it. Love in Experiential Reality happens before our mind attaches a story to it. Only in Experiential Reality can you enter the experience Being the source of Love and ultimately the Bright Principle of Love.
You might come to experience that everything and everyone is actually made out of Love, that it is the pure element common to Everything and Nothing.
EXPERIMENT INTIMACY.04: MADE OUT OF LOVE
Next time you go outside to walk, shop, go to work, get the children at school: walk, look and experience each thing as if they are made out of Love for an hour.
Talk to the policeman as if he is made out of Love.
Talk to your children's teacher as she is made out of Love.
Talk to the cashier as if they are made out of Love.
Do this 3 times a week, for 3 months.
Report in your Beep! Book what you notice and what you created.
Please read 4 Feelings Bubble if you have not yet chosen to be on the New Map of Feeling. It also have additional experiments for Phase 1 and Phase 2 of feelings work.
In the New Map of Feeling, anger, fear, sadness and joy are neutral source of information and energy. Not good, not bad.
As information, the 4 feelings are like the 4 directions on a compass. Without access to your feeling you cannot experience where you are just like a boat without a compass doesn't know where it is going
As energy, the 4 feelings are the wind blowing into the sail of your relationship. Without clarity about their energy you cannot set your sail for your relationship to move into the space of intimacy.
Feelings are unending doorways for intimacy. You might not believe me, that's okay. We have not been initiated in feelings in modern culture. And it you want to give it a try you might be surprise about the boundless treasure that they are.
How are feelings unending doorways for intimacy?
Here are non exhaustive examples.
Anger is the energy available to you for committing to someone's commitment, for saying YES to what you want or NO to what you don't want, make boundaries to childish offers for intimacy (see 5 Offers for Intimacy in Negotiation Skills), for making agreements and keeping them no matter the circumstances, for renegotiating agreements, ...
Sadness is the energy available to you for connecting, being with someone else's being, having compassion and empathy for someone, for grieving the lost of a possibility not used, ...
Fear is the energy available to you for staying on your toes about what you want and what you don't want, staying awake about the different energetic space of intimacy that you travel through, for sensing whether you are too close or too far, too much pressure or not enough pressure, about whether you are creating something new or you are doing your same old thing ("Hey honey! I am home"), ...
Joy is the energy available to you for celebrating intimacy, for going on inner and outer adventures and exploration together, for building the team that you are when creating intimacy and connection, for making your intimacy partner laugh, for motivating each other to discover new inner or outer territory, ...
EXPERIMENT INTIMACY.05: Lower Your Numbness Bar.
We have been so well trained to think about how feelings as bad that most of us don't realize that we do everything to block feelings all day long.
Blocking feeling is exhausting.
Do you ever wonder why you are so tired even without doing anything special?
One reason could be that you are blocking yourself from feeling your feelings, which is blocking yourself from being you.
The practical experiment here is to lower the high numbness bar that we have set to stop ourselves from feelings.
Do this experiment every morning when you wake up or during breakfast.
Pick 4 small object (for example: hairband, watch, pen, spoon).
Place them one next to each other.
Each object represents one feeling.
The hairband is your Anger.
You say out loud or in your head: "Hello Anger. What do you have for me today?"
Listen to your anger, it will tell you.
Anger might say: "I feel angry because I said yes to Marie to grab a cup of coffee when actually I want to go for a walk".
You: "Thank you anger. What are you telling me then?"
Anger: "I am telling you that you should call up Marie and renegotiate your agreement, ask her if she would go on a walk with you".
You: "Thank you Anger".
The watch is your Sadness.
You: "Hello Sadness. What do you have for me today?"
Sadness: "I feel sad because I didn't receive a message from him yesterday."
You: "Thank you sadness. What are you telling me?"
Sadness: "That you want to talk to him, to connect with him. You could send him a message instead of waiting for him to do so."
You: "Yes, thank you."
You can send the message or not send the message. This is up to you but you received the communication from your heart.
The pen is your Fear.
You: "Hello Fear. What do you have for me today?"
Fear: "I am afraid that if I don't perform better, I will lose my job."
You: "Thank you fear, what are you telling me then?"
Fear: "I am telling you that you could check in with your boss, this morning first thing and ask him if he needs anything from you."
You: "Thank your fear."
The spoon is your Joy.
You: "Hello Joy. What do you have for me today?"
Joy: "I feel glad that I am doing this experiment."
You: "Thank you joy, are you telling me that experimenting can be fun?"
Joy: "Yes, this is what I am telling you!"
You: "Thank your Joy!"
EXPERIMENTINTIMACY.06 (Phase 1 Feeling)
Learn to check in ~ Expressing Your Feeling To Someone.
The next level of experimentation is to express and experience your feelings in the presence of another consciousness.
When expressing and experiencing feelings with another consciousness, you enter the present with them.
HINT: Do NOT express your feelings ABOUT them, because chances are, these are NOT feelings but emotions (see below 4 emotions).
This practice is a great way to learn how to check in with another consciousness whether it is your sister, your friend or your life partner.
It goes like this:
"Hello. I would like to check in with you. And hear your check in also. Would you do that with me?"
Wait for their answer. Do not assume anything. If they say Yes, go ahead.
You might want to negotiate that they do not interrupt you during your check-in. (See Negotiation Skills)
"Right now, I feel angry about this... because that...
I feel sad about this... because that...
I feel afraid about this... because that...
I feel happy about this... because that..."
The first and second time, it might feel somehow mechanical. It is a new skill to let your feelings speak and be heard.
With practice it might become the way you greet people.
While checking in with your feeling, try to go to let your feelings unfold themselves.
Your mind has no idea what your feelings are going to stay because your feelings are not in your mind. Your mind might freak out. Let it freak out. Just keep your feelings unfold themselves.
You might just come to discover that that is one of the way to discover yourself.
Then make the invitation for the other consciousness to have to the possibility to unfold themselves with you. And just listen.
Please read the 4 Emotions Bubble for clarity on the distinction between feelings and emotions and the distinctions between the 4 kind of Emotions.
Here are some clear distinctions
- Emotions are not feelings. Feelings are not emotions. Even if the emotion of anger, sadness, fear and joy feel exactly the same in your body as the feeling of anger, sadness, fear and joy.
- When you are experiencing anger, sadness, fear or joy for more than 3 minutes, the anger, the sadness, the fear, or the joy that you are experiencing is an emotion and has nothing to do with the present circumstances.
- There are 4 kinds of emotions. Emotions 1. from your past childhood traumas, 2. from values given to you by authority figures, 3. from your Gremlin or 4. from Vampires Entities/Demons.
- Emotions are not valid sensations to create intimacy with in the present, at the only exception to heal that particular emotion in connection.
- You probably never had a feeling. What you feel are almost only emotions.
- You are projecting one of the 4 kinds of emotions on the people you are trying to create intimacy with and wondering why your relationship feel so meaningless and empty.
By creating relationship, we create possibilities to heal our emotions,
but instead of healing them we only project them.
We will keep projecting the same emotions over and over again
onto our numerous partners (professional or personal)
until we take responsibility for heal them.
How can emotions be used in the domain of intimacy?
The only thing you can use emotions for is as a gateway forhealing.
Experimentation to create, sustain and deepen intimacy will trigger
old childhood traumas,
cultural rules about what is allowed and what is not,
Therefore, it is useful to experientially distinguish between feelings and emotions. And to realize that first what we feel is only emotion. Meaning, everything we feel about another person has nothing to do with them.
This might come as a shock.
You might want to try the next experiment.
EXPERIMENTS INTIMACY.07: IT IS ALL EMOTIONS (for now).
You will need your Beep Book in hand. It is useful when experimenting to have your Beep Book on you at all time.
When anger, sadness, fear or joy comes up, notice and ask yourself the following questions is this order:
1. What am I feeling? Is it anger, sadness, fear or joy? (Write down in your Beep Book which the feeling you are feeling)
- If it is only one of them (rarely the case), go to 3.
- If it two or more of them, go to 2.
2. Which feelings am I feelings? (Write all of them down) Are they pure emotions or mix emotions?
- If they are in their pure form, go to 3.
- If they are mixed, you first have to unmix them (go to the Unmix Emotions Bubble for the process of unmixing your emotions), then go to 3.
3. What are you angry, sad, sacred or happy about? Answer the question for each feeling separately. In your Beep Book, write:
"I feel angry about Mark because he was looking at his phone before saying hello to me this morning"
"I feel sad about Mark because he doesn't want to connect with me anymore"
"I feel sacred about our relationship because he might not love me anymore"
You might be angry, sad, scared or happy about multiple things at the same. Write them down too.
When you have a clear list with the feeling + the about + the because, then go to 4.
4. Pick one feeling about one thing (eg: Anger about Mark because of the phone), then ask yourself the question: "Have I ever been angry before at someone because they would avoid greeting me while distracting themselves with something else?" The answer is probably Yes.
Pick another one: Sad about Mark because he doesn't want to connect. "Have I ever been sad before about someone who I feel doesn't want to connect with me anymore?" The answer is probably Yes.
5. At the end of your notebook, make a list of the healing processes that you need to go through and bring them either to your regular Possibility Team or to your next Possibility Lab. Some healing processes can be handled in Possibility Team, others are better done in a Lab. Please check in with your Team about how far they can be with you.
If you ever had the same feeling in the past then it is an emotion and you are protecting your emotion onto the person who is trying to relate to you even in their own clumsy way.
To be very clear, having emotions in NOT bad, it is NOT wrong. Emotions are not a design error from the Universe. Having emotions DOES NOT mean you are broken and not worthy being in relationship.
And using emotions as a force to journey to intimate spaces is like using a hammer to create fine jewellery. It is the wrong tool.
Emotions are for healing blocks to intimacy. Please go to the 4 Emotions Bubble for more healing processes for emotions.
Everybody has a Box. And the good news is that you are not your Box. You might be identified with your Box, but you are still not it.
The Box is made out of our thoughtware. Our thoughtware is what we use to think with about things. Our thoughtware is our belief system, our assumptions, our conclusions about things, our stories about things, our thinking patterns, our expectations, etc... We are mostly not aware of our thoughtware. We have not been trained to think about what we are thinking with, to look at what we look at the world with. To do so is like putting on glasses to examine the glasses that stand between you and the world.
We don't interact really with the world as it is, we interact, meaning express and experience the world through the glasses of our thoughtware.
It is possible that the thoughtware that you are carrying blocks you from intimacy without you being aware of it. Have you been in situation when you and your partner were arguing about who's right? Have you ever found yourself alone between you believed your were not lovable or beautiful enough or that no one understands you? Have you ever found that you were overwhelmed by a relationship, by another person?
What if those situations are due to the thoughtware that you carry and have nothing to do with external circumstances?
We carry thousands different thoughtware about how to relate to ourselves, others and the world. Those thoughtware make out our Box.
The original purpose of our Box is to protect us, it is a defense mechanism that we create as a children before we are old enough to stand for ourselves. The thing is if we do not identify that survival strategy and do not grow out of it, it sticks around like a body glove that we forget that we had put on years earlier and never took off.
We can be 30, 40, 50, 60 years old and are still dressed in this fake childhood accoutrements while desperately trying to relate to people. What gets to relate is the Box, the glove not who we truly are until we can dis-identify ourselves from it.
It is the form of intimacy that you have been creating since your Box has taken shape. You know you can create that form of intimacy. If you do, you will survive just like you have survived until now. You will have enough money, food and shelter to not starve to death. Your Box is made exactly for that purpose.
And the question remains: Is another form of intimacy is attractive to you? A form of intimacy where you get to discover yourself and another consciousness each step of the way? A form of intimacy where you also get to reinvent yourself whenever you want? A form of intimacy that might be a space through which the Bright Principle of Love can do its work in the world? A form of intimacy where you get to shine and your brightness does not throw shadow on other but instead ignite them into their own brilliance?
The survival Box does not allow that quality of intimacy. That quality of intimacy does not fit into survival patterns. It happens when you move to the edge of your Box. Edge skills are various and some are explored below.
YOU HAVE A GREMLIN. YOUR GREMLIN CAN BE YOUR BEST FRIEND OR YOUR WORST ENEMY IN CREATING INTIMACY.
It is up to you to decide what you want.
As we all have a Box, we also all have a Gremlin. The Gremlin is the active part of the Box. The Box is a mechanical machine that is programmed to answer in a particular ways to stimulus. The Box is the mechanical, reactive, and defensive part of our survival strategy. The Gremlin is it's complementary. The Gremlin is the active and offensive part of the our survival strategy that will do anything at any cost to protect our world views, our beliefs system, our stories.
Your Gremlin will destroy any spaces of intimacy, closeness, vulnerability if those spaces do not fit into your survival strategy - which just to be clear, those spaces do not fit your survival strategy (otherwise you wouldn't be reading this website).
As children we are born in modern culture, we are born into a world that betrays the true possibilities of being a human beings. Our parents do not have the tools, skills and possibilities to handle the power that we hold as children before we get civilized. The authority figures tell us to sit down, be quiet and do our homework - just to be clear also this is abuse. We therefore create a Box where these kind of abusive behaviors are normal: where betrayal, hate, abandonment, abuse in all 5 bodies is normal, etc...
We are stuck inside a survival strategy that tells us that we will be betrayed if we show ourselves, we will be humiliated, we will be abused if we show vulnerability, ... How can we possibly imagine creating intimacy, closeness, and connection when we are identified with such a world view? We cannot. That is when the Gremlin comes in. When the Universe gives us the opportunity to be vulnerable, to be connected, to show ourselves, our Gremlin reminds itself what happened last time we did that and will destroy the space without even us noticing it.
And that is the trick that the Box and the Gremlin use, they knock us unconscious to protect us and destroy the possibilities of something different than our survival strategy. Why? Because the Box and the Gremlin have proven to us that we can survive if we are abused, betrayed, hated, humiliated... but they have not proven to us that we can survive if we are loved, cared, listened to, vulnerable in intimate space. Quite shocking, no?
The first news is your Gremlin can be initiated. An initiated Gremlin is standing at your side with a chain around its neck (see picture) and is empower to be a endless source of non-linear possibilities. An initiated Gremlin can do thing that your Box cannot do.
The second news is that nobody can initiate your Gremlin for you. You are the only one who can initiate your Gremlin. And nobody can stop you from initiating your Gremlin.
An uninitiated Gremlin will keep destroying your chance of deeper intimacy.
An initiated Gremlin will be a source of non-linear possibility for the creation of intimacy spaces.
Nobody can initiate your Gremlin for you. However, nobody can stop you from initiating it either. It is up to you!
NOTE: There is no such thing as a fully initiated Gremlin. Initiation - whether in the domain Gremlin or other domains - has no top end. Initiation is a path. And there are clear processes and practice to start to own your Gremlin more than your Gremlin own you. For now, your Gremlin own you more than you own it and it is running your life. For clarity about this, please go to the Low Drama Bubble.
The smaller your Now, your Here, your You (the other person), your I (yourself) are the more you get to be in the present.
You only have power Now.
You cannot change anything that happened in the past or anything that will happened in the future. Not matter how hard or long you think about it. No matter how many times you replay the conversation in your head, there is nothing you can do about what happened or what will happened. Every second spend in the past or the future is a second less you get to be in the present, in relationship with what is right now.
We have not been trained in keep our attention in a small now. Our habits constantly takes us to moment, incidents and conversation in the past or in the future. Keeping our attention in a small Now demands practice.
EXPERIMENT INTIMACY.08: KEEPING A SMALL NOW
Choose an physical object that will work with you as a reminding factor. Something simple that you wear on you and that is easily seen or touched. For example, a hairband or a multicolored bracelet, or a orange nail polish on one nail or a key-chain or any object that can be attached to your belt.
EVERY TIME you see or feel this object, STOP what you are thinking about and come back in a 3 second NOW.
It could help you to touch the object with your thumb. The sensation of friction between your thumb and the object is happening NOW, and NOW, and NOW.
Stay there in the small NOW for as long as possible while keep moving, talking, dong whatever you were doing before.
Do this for 3 months.
You only have power Here.
You do not have power in the kitchen if you are in the living room. You cannot cook dinner in the living room. You do not have power at the office if you on your way back home. You cannot make a boundary with a colleague at work while you are in your car sitting next to your children or your mate. You do not have the power to have a conversation with somebody who is not in the room. Having a conversation with somebody who is not there does NOT change anything.
Here is the energetic space you are in. The energetic space is a field that has a certain direction, size and purpose. For example, you might be sitting in the car coming back from work after picking up the children from school. You and your mate are having a conversation in the front, checking in about your day. The children in the back are having their own debate about the game they just invented. You, your mate and the children might be in the same physical space: the car, there is two energetic spaces in the car: the one you and your mate are holding and the one that the children are holding. The direction, size and purpose of the spaces are totally distinct and different.
If you are trying to be here with you mate and there with your children at the same time, you might notice that the level of intimacy that you can create with both your mate and your children is pretty low.
EXPERIMENT INTIMACY.09: KEEPING A SMALL HERE
With the same reminding object that you use for keeping a small now, add to your practice keep a small here. The two go hand in hand.
An Intimacy Journey Starts at the Edge of Yourself
Human beings do not interact with the world as it is. We interact through our thoughtmaps of the world. When you get a new thoughtmap you get a new world. Intimacy is delicate, precise, complex, and precious. No space of shared intimacy lasts forever... this means there are untold numbers of incredible spaces waiting to be explored when you have the new maps and skills.
If you keep yourself busy merely surviving there is no time or energy to explore the edges of your world and expand them. But even if you have the wish to explore, make the time to connect, and free the energy to go deeper, you may still lack the skills and distinctions. New skills, tools, and maps of the territory may also be needed...
At The Edge of Your Box
Traveling at the edge of your box is the offer for intimacy.
By going at the edge first, opens to the possibility of vulnerability, openness, healing, and adult intimacy.
To travel at the edge of your Box, you first have to be aware of where you are - in the marshmallow zone or at the edge?- (this was the work of Being Skills) and then move slowly at the edge of your Box through different experiments and practices (Edgework Skills).
Your mind is yours to play around with and make into whatever you want.
The thoughtware you are currently using may not be ideal for creating what you want to create.
HOLD AND NAVIGATE SPACE
"The Space determines what is possible."
Matrix Code INTIMACY.10, INTIMACY.11, INTIMACY.12
The distinction of energetic space is far away from the thoughtware of modern culture. Most people do not have any idea when they first hear the word "space" or "energetic space" when in reality most people have already had the experience of being in a distinct energetic space - they just didn't have a word for it.
Giving a name to an experience helps distinguishing it from other experiences, navigating back to that experience and working with it.
The person holding the energetic space can be compared to person driving the car. The space holder decide the direction, size and purpose of the space.
EXPERIMENT INTIMACY.10: MEN LEARN TO HOLD SPACE FOR A WOMAN
Men's ego is so thin that when a woman says "Hello", it crumbles like a castle of cards in a single blow of the wind. Men unconsciously know this. But they don't want the women to realize it, so they build up this fake but steal-strong show around their being hoping it will protect them for the blow of the woman's Everythingness. Good luck!
Their protection wall has become their own prison, and men heart and soul is being crush to ridiculous nano parts buried in the deep of their prisons' catacombs.
For a man to starting really holding space for a woman, he will have to take down his iron mask and present himself vulnerable but not naive. Men should never let go of their sword of clarity.
The experiment is this: To hold space for a woman is to be an authentic vacuum. It means been present, and having necessity to access the soul and the heart of the woman (they too having been buried deep inside women's own prisons). You can hold this question inside of you: "I really want to know who you are. Who are you? What do you really want to say? What really matters to you?".
This is not about being a doormat on which the women can only complain, rant and gossip about whoever. You might want to pick some specific times for that, but not most of the time. Most of the time, men, you hold space for the burning anger that women carry about the imperfection of the world, for the deep wrenching grief that women hold about all the loss and praise of the world, for the terrible fear that women cherish about the future of their Children (in the most extended sense of the word). You are holding space for this to be expressed.
EXPERIMENT INTIMACY.11 & 12: WOMEN, LEARN TO STOP HOLDING SPACE
Women born in a patriarchy have learned to be Everything in secret. In a partriarchy, women have to be a gentle mother, a sexy partner, a successful businesswoman, an available friend, a holiday planner, a clothe washer, an excellent meal cooker, and so on. (Just to be clear, it is an impossible task, see below SPARK 88). However, success is only achieved if the women can do all of this without threatening the men. The trick is for the women to play Mother with their men. If the women take care of the men well enough (when is enough, enough, right?), the men would not have any reason to dismiss their safety blanket.
This secret is so well kept over generation of women, that the women themselves forget that this was just a trick to survive long ago. Women live a secret life but as they forget their own secret, it becomes a secret to themselves too. This could explain why women are lost trying to be themselves. Who are they really? This is the beginning of another long conversation...
The experiment here (for women) is multi-fold.
EXPERIMENT INTIMACY.11- Is to notice every domain where you are holding space for the men. Holding space does not mean deciding everything. Holding space in this case (meaning when done unconsciously) is making sure that things are planned and that the men is happy with how things go.
Make a list in your Beep! Book of every energetic space shared with men for which you are the spaceholder.
EXPERIMENT INTIMACY.12- Choose one recurrent space for which you decide to take back your space holding (for example, the space of spending time together or the space of checking in together at the end of the day). This can be done delicately or revengefully. Revengefully, you wouldn't tell or negotiate intimacy with the man regarding your change in behavior. You would just stop holding space and see it crash. For obvious reason (revenge being a Shadow Principle) I do not recommend this option.
Delicately would involve negotiating the intimacy of holding space with the man. You might want to start by explaining to him the process of transformation that you are in about holding space and that you picked that particular space where you would like to pass on the spaceholding to him.
Hint: It is most probably that the man DOES NOT know anything about holding space or that particular space. Part of your job is then to teach him WITHOUT taking back the space holding.
The process of changing spaceholder can be a delicate negotiation and at the same the most wonderful. Take your time, do not rush. Negotiation of the shift of spaceholder is already intimacy. If you are trying to get to the finish line of "having shifted spaceholder", you would have missed out on a lot of intimacy.
You will make mistakes, and he will make mistakes.
LET THE EXPERIENCE LEAD INSTEAD OF YOUR MEMETIC CONSTRUCT
Matrix Code INTIMACY.13
Your ability to connect, be with, and relate collaboratively during Intimacy Journeys depends on your Memetic Construct.
Each part of your Construct you built out of Memes.
If you are not consciously aware of the elements of your Memetic Construct, it imprisons you into a life of Reactivity beyond your ability to Navigate.
This Experiment is to meet with your Possibility Team or your 3Cell, get in groups of 3. Then 2 people help one person to describe in writing in their Beep! Book in the most concise way possible their Memetic Construct.
After all 3 of you have distilled your Memetic Construct, practice Radically Relating outside the limits of your Memetic Construct.
Give each other gentle possibilities and coaching for how to immediately escape from your Memetic Prisons together while Radically Relating.
After you have done the first of your Emotional Healing Processes from this Experiment, please register Matrix Code INTIMACY.13 in your free account at StartOver.xyz. Thank you.
LET YOUR HEART SPEAK
Matrix Code INTIMACY.14
Your heart has so much to say, and more than often, you shut it down because it was not allowed to feel. On the New Map of Feelings, feelings is your rocket fuel for your destiny and your relationship. For one, your feelings are your compass informing where to move, when to say what, when to say silence, when to hold someone's hands, when to set a boundary, when to say no and yes, and so on...
And your heart also carries feelings about your vision of relationship, your vision of the world, your vision about children, or plants, or the ocean, or the possibility of possibility, ... The four feelings anger, sadness, fear and joy are the carrier waves for your visions, your dreams, what you stand for, what you let go of,...
Letting your heart speak with your partner or trusted friend opens the doors for extraordinary conversation.
Matrix Code INTIMACY.14: LET YOUR HEART SPEAK
At first, negotiate with either your partner or a friend that 3 times for 10 min, they would listen to your heart speak to them. You might need to negotiate that during those 10 min, they do not speak, except maybe to say "can you say more about this?" if something seems important.
During those 10 min start each sentence by: "I feel (angry, scared, glad or sad) because...". Your mind won't know what to say, but you are practicing letting your heart speaks. It is a new skill.
Matrix Code INTIMACY.15
Magic is authentic when it is extemporaneous, that is, when it has never been done before. The word 'abrakadebra' means "I create as I speak." Telling stories that you have never told before in relationship with someone else is called improvising. The key to joyous and powerful improvising is 'Being a Yes!' to what the other person creates. "Yes... and..." can be the doorway to whole new territories of shared intimacy (see Negotiating Skills).
"The improviser has to understand that his first skill lies in releasing his partner's imagination" - Keith Johnstone.
What if we engaged relationship as an on-going improvisation theater stage where we get to create whatever we want with the person across from us? What would we want to create? What if our job what to release someone imagination on-goingly? What would our relationship look like? Probably very different, very alive and much more unpredictable.
Make time to sit on the couch with your mate, with no plans. Sit in silence for a minute, taking the time to arriving on the couch from whatever you were getting busy with before (work, children, cooking, answering messages, complaining, ...)
Turn to your partner and ask them to ask you to tell them a story that you've never told before to them or anybody else. It does not matter if the story is based on events that actually happened or not.
Here your mate is improvising (they probably never asked you to tell such a story) and their request is about releasing your imagination.
Arrange an Emotional Healing Process (EHP) to face into your unwillingness to trust yourself to take care of yourself around other people. During the Process, consider the possibility of making a new Decision.
EXPERIMENT INTIMACY.16: DECIDE TO TRUST ONE PERSON ABOUT ONE THING
WITHDRAW YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS AND YOURSELF REGARDING INTIMACY
Matrix Code INTIMACY.17
Presence and intimacy can only happen NOW. Who do you need to be to be more present in this NOW?
One of the many obstacles to Presence in the Now are assumptions, expectations and resentments. The formula to create resentment in you is simple:
1. Make an assumption. For example, "my partner will cook dinner tonight because it is my birthday and he always cook on my birthday"
2. Assume your assumption is true. You are not stupid, why would you make an assumption if you didn't think it was true?
3. This magically changes your assumption into an expectation.
4. When your expectation is not fulfilled to your satisfaction, you create resentment
5. Only one resentment kill any kind of intimacy. Because instead of feeling the skin or hearing the word of the other person, you feel the resentment.
EXPERIMENT INTIMACY.17: WITHDRAW EXPECTATIONS
You can do this experiment with anybody. We strongly recommend that one of the person is your primary relationship partner.
The first part of the experiment is to go to your Beep! Book and title a new page: MY EXPECTATIONS TOWARDS (NAME OF THE PERSON). Write down all your expectation towards this person. I expect them to answer my messages. I expect them to take care of me when I am not well. I expect them to grow old with me. I expect them to take care of the children as much as I do. I expect that their income is our income. I expect that we care for this house together. I expect them to come to my friends dinner party. I expect them to not cheat on me. And so on. Look at the darkest corner of your relationship to surface the expectations that you hold towards your partner.
Secure 30 minutes of safe time and space with your partner.
At the start, explain to them (if they are not familiar) the way to create resentment and tell them that you realize that you have expectations toward them and that you would like to withdraw them. To explain how this goes, you are the Experimenter and they are the Partner.
Experimenter: “I have been holding onto an expectation of you that _______,” and fill in the blank with the specifics of your expectation. Then you say, “I withdraw forever the expectation that you _______.” Partner repeats back what they heard you say “I heard you say that you withdraw forever the expectation that I _______.” If the partner got it right, you says “Yes.” The communication is completed.
If they didn’t get it, you says “No. You didn’t hear what I said. What I said is _______” and then repeats the previous communication until the person sitting across from them gets it.
Repeat this process with 3 to 5 expectations per 'session'.
If there is more expectation, plan another session.
You might want to give your partner a chance to do this with you too.
COMMIT TO SOMEONE ELSE'S COMMITMENT ABOUT INTIMACY
Matrix Code INTIMACY.18
Being in relationship is being committed to someone else's commitment.
EXPERIMENT INTIMACY.18: FIND OUT AND COMMIT TO ONE OF THEIR COMMITMENT
This means developing possibility listening. Listen for what your partner is committed to and then commit to that. Most of us do not really know what our partner, our children, or our boss are committed to. It may be to finish knitting a sweater by Christmas, or to do 500 pushups, or to open a successful restaurant, or to spend some weekend hours totally relaxing. We all have both conscious and unconscious commitments.
CONSCIOUSLY DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION DURING INTIMACY
Matrix Code INTIMACY.19
Where your attention goes, your energy flows.
Your central skill for navigating Intimacy Journeys is your attention. Can you place it? Move it? Hold it? Keep it? Split it? No one can get your attention unless you give it to them. What are you doing with your attention now? Why?
Track your Attention intensely for 2 weeks. Write what you learn about your Attention and Intimacy in your Beep! Book.
DETECT THE PURPOSE IN YOUR INTIMACY OFFERS AND CREATIONS
Notice and document in your Beep! Book your gestures in all 5 bodies:
PHYSICAL BODY: Document the Conscious and Unconscious Purposes of your movements, physical reactions, pains, tensions, Liquid States, etc.
INTELLECTUAL BODY: Document the Conscious and Unconscious Purposes of your thoughts, assumptions, expectations, conclusions, interpretations, stories, theories, memes, projections, etc.
EMOTIONAL BODY: Document the Document the Conscious and Unconscious Purposes of Mixing your emotions, fooling yourself to think that your emotions are feelings, raising your Numbness Bar to block your feelings and emotions, ignoring the impulses and intelligence of your low level feelings, your uses of emotional Reactivity, etc.
ENERGETIC BODY: Document the Conscious and Unconscious Purposes of your timing when you interrupt other people speaking, trying to get other people's attention (or avoid getting it and why), invading spaces, destroying spaces, making people wait for you, blocking energy flow in spaces, etc.
ARCHETPAL BODY: Document the Conscious and Unconscious Purposes of being confused, of not committing, of withdrawing and being listless or depressed, of hiding out, of not speaking out, of not taking the next step on your Evolutionary Path, of not using your 13 Tools, of not creating your Teams, etc.
Use your notes to write an article about what you learn from discovering the Purpose of your 5 Body Gestures. Use the link to your published online article as the proof when you register Matrix Code INTIMACY.20 in your free account at StartOver.xyz.
IDENTIFY WHICH "I" IS TALKING AND DISIDENTIFY FROM THINKING OF IT AS THE REAL YOU
Matrix Code INTIMACY.21
Which "I" is talking? Which "I" is navigating now? Which "I" is speaking and feeling right now?
ASK THE PERSON OR PEOPLE YOU ARE INTIMATE WITH TO WHAT DEGREE YOU ARE BEING AUTHENTIC AND WHAT YOU COULD DO TO DEEPEN YOUR AUTHENTICITY
It is easy to forget that today is a good day to die... and... you can develop some new skills. That is what the Intimacy Journeyer Intensive Skill-Building Training is about. Stepping to the edge of your comfort zone, staying present, consciously taking little intimate steps one-after-the-other into the unknown, where all you have is your attention and your wits for safely creating what has never been created before and exploring it together.
REFUSE TO GENERATE OR ACCEPT STORIES MADE REGARDING YOU AND INTIMACY IN ANY OF YOUR 5 BODIES
Matrix Code INTIMACY.23
Experience intimacy without conforming to the stories you have been carrying around about yourself or others.
Do this for one hour, two time each week, for four weeks.
TAKE RADICAL RESPONSIBILITY NO MATTER WHAT DURING EACH SECOND OF ANY INTERATION
Matrix Code INTIMACY.24
What shows up from you being radically responsible?
When two Intimacy Journeyers see through the cloud of ordinary life and explore Radical Relating, portals open to extraordinary experiences.
Their archetypal bodies find a resonance and they use daring questions as the fuel for their journey.
The longing is to interact, to heal the other and to be healed by the other. (Healing simply means to make things even better than they are now...) There is no limit to what can be healed during an Intimacy Journey. Most dis-eases originate in the unfulfilled longing for intimacy.
Nothing needs to be wrong with either person for healing and unfolding to happen in an Intimacy Journey. In fact, both people being wonderfully fine may be the most amazing times to Journey into Archetypal Domains of intimacy.
The longing is simply to want to be with the other more, to explore the other more. An adult human being is an infinite doorway. The longing may be to discover the other all the way – which, of course, is impossible. Yet this may still be the longing.
One may not know one's own blocks to exploring the other more fully until the Intimacy Journey starts and the blocks or wounds suddenly reveal themselves.
Sometimes healing occurs in the spaces between people, for example, through finding individual power to define and claim one's own place and space. There may be no physical contact at all.
On other occasions the healing takes place in extended times of radical vulnerability and silent touching communication.
No two journeys are the same. One moment passes into the next, inexplicably full of treasures.
Consciousness if fed impressions of reciprocal nourishment when the Journeyers witness and embody more of each other than is usually possible. Transformation and healing are frequently encountered.
A field of deep trust, unconditional love, groundlessness, unexpectedness, adult to adult encounter, and co-creative five-body nourishment becomes the basis of a life of blazing splendor.
A successful journey is more than satisfying. It can bring back life features that are blocked by the local belief systems and assumptions built into the morphogenetic field. These treasures become available to all who are in the space. Lives and perspectives become more compassionate and inclusive.
The skills you build, the healings that happen for you and others, these last you the rest of your life. They open doors for whole new life-chapters to blossom and become viable.
What parts of you can connect? How well are you negotiating for those part to be connected?
Three Domains of Love (Relationship Space)
Which one are you navigating towards?
Not choosing where you want to go right now assures that is exactly where you will get to.
EXPERIMENT INTIMACY.24: UNDERSTAND THE THREE DOMAINS OF LOVE
Relationships thrive on ongoing nonlinear creation. But the source of nonlinear possibility is your Gremlin. Have you initiated a conscious relationship with your Gremlin? Is he kneeling at your side as an ally? Or is your Gremlin still unconsciously destroying intimacy and serving shadow principles?
Presence of Being
A big "HERE" or a big "NOW" or a big "ME" dilutes your connection to tiniest present moment needed for navigating your Intimacy Journey. With a little practice you can build your presencing muscles and expand your capacity for enduring the unbearable lightness of Being.
In a comment from 1 August 2019, Gabriel Keczan wrote: "I would flat-line too if I was only looking for love and home. I also need purpose, mission. The journey from home to the horizon. As well as the return."
EXPERIMENT INTIMACY.30: 10 JOURNEYS FROM HOME to THE HORIZON and RETURN
Create 10 ways Purpose, Mission, The Journey from Home to the Horizon, and the Return. Here are some examples:
Choose 2 of these and implement them today. Choose 2 more and implement them tomorrow. Etc. Until they are all used up. Then create another list of 10 ways.
Presence Journey into the Archetypal Level
Map of Laws
You can bring back jewels, but the higher up the elevator you go, the more strictly the laws apply.